August 31, 2004

MERDEKA! MERDEKA! MERDEKA!

so were the three words shouted by tunku abdul rahman as the union jack was replaced by our own jalur gemilang. what an impact this one occasion had on the future of malaysia. imagine the merdeka stadium filled with citizens of malaysia...chinese, indian, malays, penjabi, peranakan, sabahans, sarawakians and so on...shouting along with the tunku. imagine the overwhelming feeling..the energy in the stadium...hmm....31st august 1957...the unforgettable date in the minds of all malaysians...

this sudden surge of patriotism in my veins is unexplainable. i guess it must be the feeling of being away from my home land...it just makes me more patriotic and i cherish all things malaysian even more. i miss pisang goreng, mamaks, pasar malam, and everything which makes malaysia malaysia. never mind...home is just a flight away..and i'll be leaving on the plane in a few months time. it's kind of depressing when i dream of my room but i awake in another. haha..okok..no more sadness. the blue bird is singing on my shoulder...haha...i wish! exam is just two weeks away and i'm still sitting on my laurels! this is not good. have to get into momentum! i cannot afford to screw this exam up. will cost me just too much. i am looking at a future in the medical profession or the engineering field. so have to strive for it.

hmm....my muse has left me. i have nothing else to blog. i'm just blogging for the sake of having a posting on a historical date..hehe...so i've done that and i shall leave u with this 'till the next time the muse comes knocking on my door....

we connect in conversation
we connect in thoughts
but will this connect our very being?
will this be 'it'?
another may be in ur heart
does this matter to me?
i have never felt this crazy!

HAPPY 47TH MERDEKA DAY MALAYSIA!




August 27, 2004

the art of love

~the art of love is largely the art of persistence~
albert ellis

this quote really struck me. i mean it is so true. every single word of it is so true. just look at the courting game...persistence and determination most often leads a guy or gal to 'victory'.haha...making it sound so dramatic. but i think it is true. guys better take heed..haha...if u want her go get her! don't give up! oh wait...give up when u know she has no interest whatsoever in u cause then u'll be only wasting ur energy and u'll just be hitting ur head against a wall. ok enough about love.

nothing really happened since the last time i blogged. i guess the only real relief was the handing up of the HOI essay. phew..a huge burden finally lifted from my tired shouders. man..i'm so dramatic! haha..that's whaat zoe always complains about me..being over dramatic about things...can't help it..it's just me. however this does bring about my weakness...feeling too much. it just makes me so emotional at times... i just hate it when it happens. feeling too intensely for something or someone just makes u go through so much emotional turmoil. it's just so draining. but i have the saints to thank...oh and the pakcik. always there to lend a hearing ear no matter what time of the day. a big thank you! i'm feeling guilty right now over what i'm feeling for someone...don't want to mention names or leave any hints now...damn it! i have to control this..i just have to...he may already have someone else...okok...i should uphold the angels' motto "no time for boys"! haha...girls..we shold wear 'the' t-shirt at the same time one day. i must live by this motto! enough nonsense and blabber from the blabber queen. till the next time i post again.....the heart is a vulnerable thing.

August 12, 2004

the 'beauty' of life

hoi tute this week really brought up a thought provoking question....is beauty fabricated? is it an invention of man for the benefit of man?(man as in human not the gender) it is arguable that the recognition and perception of beauty is innate but how far is that true? i think pictures and images placed into our minds by society and culture does influence our perception of beauty-physical beauty not inner beauty. the whole game of attraction between the opposite sex is based on superficial aspects. what makes you approach a guy/gal whom you've never even talked to before? physical attraction. you never see a girl who is obese, 'not pretty' being approached by anyone. why is the world so unfair. i guess this is why i love the movie shallow hal. but will that ever happen in the real world? i have lost hope for the male race nowadays. unless i witness something to prove me wrong, to me the world has always and will always revolve around the physical things. sad but true. i am willing to change my view....one day.

i have a fear...a fear of uncertainty. i don't know why but i do. someone once asked me why do i not like to get involved with a person...and i answered bacause of the uncertainty of it. i guess the uncertainty i'm referring to is the emotional uncertainty. how long will the relationship last? at this age, marridge will obviously not be on the list. so how far will it go? how far can it go? is there any use of getting involve then anyway? i think the answers most people will give is 'it's the experience of it that counts'. what experience? the experience of rejection? the experience of commitment? the experience of courtship? what experience??? how does it help anyway? it just makes u go into depression and u'll be hurting inside and at the same time hurting others. i really don't see the purpose of getting into a relationship. haih....but i guess nature works in mysterious ways....the journey of life involves ups and downs...the ups, bringing joy and happiness...the downs, bringing strength and hope.

August 07, 2004

dilemma

another unproductive week...ok maybe not so much..i did manage to gather hoi info and my drama group finally manage to finish up our srcipt. it's coming along great. can't wait to put into action. being involved in a stage performance has always been kind of a fantasy of mine...i mean a real big stage production..where there're actual directors, actual casting, actual backstage team and stuff. i'd be in heaven if i actually do get to be involved in one, one of these days..... this just rings a bell..there was one stage in my teenage life where i actually told my dad i wanted to take up drama as a major..a total swing from my medical dream...haha...i don't really know what struck me but i think it must have been the number of theatre performances i watched during that time. i really was wondering of changing my course..from the science to the arts. my dad was like "no way am i sending you to the uni to become an actor!" haha...he said that jokingly la. but i did have a sudden passionate surge for performing arts. realistically i will not be able to survive in the real world with just a degree in the performing arts..haha. i know my capabilities...i have reached a compromise with the scientific and analytical side of me with the dramatic side of me...i will take up drama as a sideline thing whilst studying medicine or engineering.

last night while we gals were having a pillow talk session...this question popped up in my mind...if u're still a spinster/a bachelor when u're let's see 45+, late middle ages, and u're still a virgin...would u take the chance and get a one night stand just to experience sex? oh and another question...will you put your future partner through a stream of blood tests before agreeing to marridge? for me, the blood test will be of utmost importance...especially in this day and age. he may have some genetic disorder...it helps to know if he does then at least we can try our best to prevent it from being passed on to our kids..or maybe not even have kids of our own to prevent it. hmm....but in actual fact i can't see myself getting married and having kids...that kind of future has never crossed my mind..i better not say anything just yet..never know what will happen in the future..haha the other question about old age virginity...'old age virginity'..haha..sounds so weird...sounds like an old age syndrome or something. that is a hard question to answer...i don't even know what my answer will be...it's a 50, 50 thing for me i guess....or maybe a 70-no, 30-yes....i really don't know.

enough 'probing' questions..haha..if they even are....going to fill my tummy with food now...till next time...happy reading my past postings..haha...u know me..i take really long to update my blog.


August 04, 2004

my desire...emotional peace

nothing much to write nowadays...everyday has been uneventful. workload piling up but i just don't have the drive to do anything. just want to go back up to the mountains and sit.. listening to the wind in my ear and feel the cold on my cheeks. sometimes solitude is the next best thing to having a listening ear...kind of contradicting but i am person full of contradiction. i guess we all are no matter how hard we try to practice what we preach. humans are just so flawed. we are the most flawed creatures on earth. sometimes i just get so disillutioned with humans...including myself...what's the purpose of us living? our purpose on earth is exactly like our other fellow inhabitants of the world...we live, survive, procreate, nuture, die. what is the use of all things material? what's the use of a piece of paper as our so called qualification? what's the use of having a schedualed life? our parents are just two people who 'made' us...but yet why do we have such a strong, deep affection for them? friends are just strangers...organisms of the same species...but yet why do we have close friends....why do have cliques?

then of course i see the clothes i'm wearing, the laptop i am typing on right now, the love of parents and how much i actually rely on them..makes me ashamed of having such thoughts..of having doubts of living. i guess studying and later on, working is just a form of survival for the human race as intraspecies and interspecies killing is a form of survival for the animal kingdom. inner peace is what i am seeking for right now...i will only be able to achieve it when i have learnt to distant myself from emotions which bring the fall of man...make myelf immune from them..jealousy, attraction, depression, sadness..emotions which bring the worst out of man...emotions which causes unwanted inner conflict...emotions which have caused the greatest wars. inner peace...

August 01, 2004

a role as an outsider

finally decided to update my blog. been too lazy and uninspired to write. well one piece of very good news to tell....MY GROUP, THE SAINTS, WON THE THEATRE SPORTS CHAMPIONSHIP!
can't believe it. the prize was just a badge...erm..not a really fantastic prize but what the heck..haha..but the guys, imran and clement, really made my day. the roses were great! smelt great too! i guess they do look and smell extra good cause it came from ur hearts guys! love u two loads!

have you ever wondered whether your past will ever haunt you? i know it sounds totally cliche..but have you ever wondered.... i have tried to forget..but i don't think i'll ever be able to. i don't think i'd be able to maintain my composure if i see the reality before my eyes. my past feelings will definately come back to haunt me...to strike pain into my heart again. i don't want to see it..i don't want to see the truth but it is glaring at me straight in my face. can't hide from it...my only option is to hide behind my facade of happiness...behind my smile and just keep my mind off it. just turn an eye when i see it...just turn my head the other way...just pretend...

the world's a stage and we are merely players..playing our parts...i totally agree with this...this is the realistic view of life...the roles we play... the 'scripts' we have to follow...every line...every action...predetermined...out of our control....will this play ever end?