last post in melbourne

thought of updating since this will be the last post i'll be typing in my room number 311 in carlton melbourne college. internet conenction will be terminated on the 1st of december. so no more blogging till i get home. HOME!! i'll be flying on mechanical wings on the 5th..this sunday!! yay! can't wait. but i will and defintely miss all the people i have met here in trinity and also to the people i have become close to. will definately miss all the nonsense and embarassing stuff we've done this past year. life next year will be different...meeting different people, starting new courses, determining the future me. oh well...the start of a new chapter and the end of another. the circle of life.

can't wait to get home though. i want the SUN! i am too fair now...too disgustingly fair! i need my tan again! have to go back to my swimming and gymming. jit..remember the treadmill evenings..haha..have to get back to that. will be going to damai laut, lumut in dec!! yay! oh then will be going down to s'pore! must meet up with all the s'porean people when i go down. will contact u all when i get there!!

ok i think this is enough for my lat blog. to everyone i know and have become aquainted with this year....SEE YOU IN 2005...remember this is not goodbye.

celebrating!!

ok..maths 2 is finally over..but...argh!! i'll be having this cloud of uncertainty hanging over my head until the results come are sent to me via e-mail. now everything depends on the two numbers of my average percentile to determine my fate! sounding dramatic here but I AM A DRAMATIC! all those who know me will tell u that. :) anyway, i'm trying to put it all behind me and look forward to returning to my bed and to my OWN bathroom! can't wait to go home and celebrate chinese new year...collecting ang pow! hehe...

i think this is all i can come up with for this posting. till the next update....two miserable numbers=the determinant of fate!! HOW ABSURD!

AARGHH!!!!!!!!

ARRRRRGH!!!!!!! maths has just killed me! i know it sound over the top but on my terms...according to my standards..i have disappointed myself. why must i be so damn ambitious?! a slight failure to me is a huge disaster! i admire people who can handle disappointment with grace...who are capable of looking at the brighter side of things. i am a through and through pessimist! since i have officially messed up my maths, my future in the medical faculty of melbourne uni is a step further away from my grasp. i want to be in the medical field!!!!!! i want!!!!! but my brain is not capable of it...i'm just not smart enough! if only i was born a genius. no...i have to be contented with what i am and work on my weaknesses. my mind is what i think it to be. be strong. strength and perseverence are the only elements which can pull anyone out from despair and disappointment. do i have the strength? do i have the perseverence to continue with this race? this race set by my overly ambitious self? competitiveness always makes me land up in this situation. if only...

jika dunia aku yang punya
akan ku dirikan
sebuah syurga untuk ku kemudi
sepanjang masa tanpa kecewa
bertemankan bintang yang setia
bagaikan puteri
kisah khayalan
yang hidupnya suci dan sempurna
tapi sayang hanylah impian

hanyalah impian.....impianku untuk membentuk diriku yang bebas dari segala keburukan..segala kelemahan yang kini ku hadapi...hanyalah impian.

i have wronged

this entry will be a short entry for no apparent reason. i have wronged someone...so to u i would like to say sorry. i am sorry for what i have done. i am sorry for the turmoil and perhaps pain i have caused u. i am sorry for everything which has happened. i am truly sorry.

i am unwise because i have judged. however..i am sorry to u because this judgement has already seeded itself in me and has started to bloom. i'm sorry for i cannot be wise. the wise do not judge but i have judged. therefore i am unwise and unwise i shall remain for its roots have gripped me too tightly to be untwined. i am sorry.

however, i will try to make it all seem right...to make me seem wise or maybe even be wise...if that is ever possible. i cannot guarantee anything for i myself am too fickle and uncertain. i know this entry seems to be full of conflicting ideas and feelings. i am a hypocrite by nature. i am sorry.

sorry.

selamat hari raya

SELAMAT HARI RAYA to all! eventhough i don't celebrate it but i do miss it. all the public holidays and the music...eventhough they were damn annoying back home. every single shopping mall would be playing the same 'selamat hari raya' song. haha... but i guess that made the atmosphere a festive one. oh no..i'll be missing the rendang and curry and kuihs from my neighbour this year...and i'll be missing all the tasty sweet dates! i'll also miss the semangat kejiranan it was always during the different festivals where u'll see the tolong menolong, toleransi, satu padu, kejiranan, kerjasama, tolak ansur antara kaum. not forgetting all the other nilai-nilai murni that we learnt in pendidikan moral. actually i just realised that i've never been to a rumah buka before during hari raya or deepavali. i've only been to a rumah buka of a friend of mine during chinese new year. i should go to the menteri's house la one of these days. imagine going into sharifah's house...menteri in charge of bangsar. has she actually done anything good for bangsar? i wonder... the roads around tmc are still filled with pot-holes...the sports complex is kind of dilapitated...crime rate has gone up...on well...politicians and thier words of promise during election season can never be trusted. politicians and the word trust can never go hand in hand. politians are bagai enau melepaskan pucuk masing-masing...is that the correct proverb? well fellow m'sians who went through pmr and spm will know what i'm talking about. remember all the malay proverbs we had to memorize for exam? phew..thanks goodness it's all over! i wonder how many proverbs i still can remember...i won't torture u with them here..haha.

well...if u have been diligently reading imran's, christina's and zoe's blog u would have found out about our desperate attempt to remain dry with only the cover of one miserable umbrella. imagine the four of us under a foldable umbrella from big w! kind of pathetic. but what the heck! we had fun laughing all the way and i bet it will be one of those unforgettable memories. the things we four do! imagine us growing old and when we have our kids we'll be re-telling our stories...and we'll refer to one another as aunty christina, aunty zoe, aunty anthea and pak cik imran. haha..that'll be the day! college life..unforgettable!

there's nothing much to blog now. exams are comign up and i'm in hot soup. i will never learn that procrastinating is bad..i'll never learn that last minute work is bad. i'm a person who works better under preassure i guess. the way i studied for my past exams never fails to amaze me! i can't imagine i managed to cramp in 2 years of work in just 2 days or was it overnight? oh i did that for physics i think. haha..amazing!

ok..going to the library soon...to be the good student i am suppose to be! until the next update...memories are timeless.

unjust

the world is an unfair place! unjust..everywhere..in every living soul's life. will there be a day when true justice prevails? will there be a day when i can say 'i live in a fair world'? no..it'll never be..an illusion meant only for idealist. i am not an idealist..perhaps i should become one..fighting the loosing battle. if u're an idealist do u become a pessimist or an optimist? if u're an idealist do u become a dreamer or a realist? so many dimensions to such a simple concept of the word 'idealist'. i guess kharma is the best way to console my cry for a just world. kharma...everyone will get what they deserve in due course. will the bitches of the world get thier fair share of spite? will the politicians ever feel the real deal of thier doings? kharma...to believe is to have faith...to have faith is to sit and wait? im confused! i'm in conflict! so many cases of the innocent and good being wronged by others is evident in our lives today. why? why? why? we believe in heaven and the last judgement...it is a bit of an illusion..don't u think so? words of the bible to comfort the fears of man. receiving fairness after death while suffering and being misjudge throughout life on earth. kind of a bleak image don't u think? no...we must have faith...faith that one day all evil and injustice will be no more. faith...so fragile in some and yet so strong in others.

sorry if i have offended anyone with my words. they were not intended to hurt or question anyone's beliefs. they were also not intended to be imposed on anyone. beliefs are private and individual. i respect that. until the next update...is the future as bright as we perceive it to be?

conflict

can anything go back to the way they were? i doubt so. is this resentment, jealousy, hurt or anger that i feel? i do not know. my feelings for u are vague and multiple. i can never define the way i feel towards u. the way i treat u may not reflect my true desire...or does it? i do not know. i am distant and i am cold...without a definate reason. i said i have turned my back on what was and that is true...perhaps a lingering feeling of resentment still prevails...but that cannot be. i do not feel the same, i do not look at u in the same light anymore. yes...that is right...the past is the past. i am living for the present, feeling for the present. i do appreciated the days u filled with joy and memories for me...but they will never come round again. i will try my best to be civil, to be friendly...but there will be always something holding me back from fully committing myself, from being as normal as i was then in front of u. again...i do not know the logic behind this puzzle. the only thing i do know is that i will remember u as a friend forever...keep that in mind.

changes
turning our worlds, lives
changing for the better
or maybe the worst
take what comes
withstand the consequences
once changed
never undone
forget the me i once was
accept the me i am now
hold on to memories if u live by them
but treasure them if u live now

until the next update....i dream, i wake : i live, i die.

thoughts...

i couldn't sleep so decided to write a bit. nothing much has been happening except the realisation that the year is coming to an end. oh and there's been a tremendous increase in photo taking! a snap of a moment imprinted for life. i was just reflecting on my whole year here and i've discovered that i have learnt so much in such a short time especially things about myself which i never knew was in me. i've become so close to certain people here that i know i'll be leaving them with a heavy heart. i'll miss the nonsense and the weird stuffs we do together, i'll miss the 'meetings' we have, i'll miss the laughing sessions in the kitchen, i'll miss everything! haih... i'll especially miss one person...u know who u are. this person has kept me afloat throughout my days here; this person i have shared my inner most feelings and thoughts with; this person who accepted all my nonsense; this person who has tolerated all my lamenting; this person who i can talk to openly at anytime; this person who personifies loyalty. i will definately miss u. another person i'll also definately miss is my 'almost-my-neighbour'. this person i have shared tears and laughter with; this person who has accepted me for me; this person who is totally weird but extremely fun to have around; this person who i have shared limitless gossips with; this person who has proven to me that nothing is impossible. to these two special people i thank and to these two people i owe a year of wonderful and unforgettable memories which i'll cherish and imprint in my mind. my memories of the two of u will never be erased by time or distance. love u two loads! i better stop before the tears stain this 'page'..haha..u know how emotional i get! until the next update....company is good but good company is beyond words.